just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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