ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
