I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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