watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I checked into jail on foursquare
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
