i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
