It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
