I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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