Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
