maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Everclear isn't food dammit
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
