Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
