Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
