The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
