I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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