WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
He shit in the fireplace
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
