Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
