I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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