matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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