I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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