No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
