i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
