Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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