I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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