Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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