i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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