I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize