Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
