I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
