Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
