my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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