I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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