He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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