So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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