just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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