look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
