I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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