I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize