remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
