walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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