I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize