how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Randomize
