saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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