guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
