She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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