A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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