I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
