i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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