i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
