Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize