This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
