I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
