this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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