So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
