She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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