Screwed.edu
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
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