Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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