Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
