for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Hippo gnu deer
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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